09-30-2003: I think I'm just going to call this week "Mr. M Week" - he really hit the motherload of asshats yesterday.

Rule #1 of identity thieves: always check your victim's background. Rule #2 of identity thieves: always check your victim's background.

James Perry was living in Florida, but was planning on moving to Connecticut. Unfortunately, Perry had a whopping four drunk driving arrests, so he was scared that Connecticut wouldn't issue him a driver's license. A valid fear.

So, Perry assumed the identity of one of his neighbors in Florida, Robert Kowalski. He moved up to Connecticut, and the scam worked! "Kowalski" was able to get a driver's license. In fact, the scam worked for almost a year, according to the AP story (via Yahoo).

"Kowalksi" got arrested for disorderly conduct. And during the routine investigation, it was discovered that the original Robert Kowalski was a convicted sex offender, and the new "Kowalski" hadn't registered his residence in the state of Connecticut. Uh oh.

Finally, fingerprints revealed "Kowalski" was actually Perry. And Perry is now being prosecuted for criminal impersonation, identity theft, and forgery. But he's not a sex offender!

Rule #3 of identity thieves: always check your victim's background. Enjoy your AOTD award, Perry.

09-29-2003: Ya gotta think, people.

Contributing Editor Mr. M has brought us today's asshat, all the way from Australia. This is one of those "do not try this at home" sort of things.

I'm guessing this 26-year-old man will never play with fireworks again:

1. Man places firecracker between butt cheeks
2. Man presumably stumbles, sitting down on butt cheeks with firecracker still lodged between them
3. Firecracker explodes
4. Once the blood spray settles, man is carted away with large hole in pelvis, ruptured urethra, sexual disfunction, and incontinence

It's unknown if the man was attempting to imitate a similar stunt from the movie Jackass, but even if so, I refer you to my opening sentence.

You too can read about the horror. Today's AOTD goes to this unidentified schmuck, who probably only needs to look at his colostomy bag to know he's an asshat.

09-26-2003: I've actually got a really good asshat for today, but you're going to have to wait - I'm picking up my new vehicle today, so I need to get going. W00t!

09-23-2003: Whoops! Wrong house.

Ronnie Lewis Construction from Tennessee, USA, is in a little bit of trouble. At the beginning of September, a crew from the construction firm was on their way to a job. Unfortunately, they took a wrong turn - they should have turned left, but instead they took a right.

Even more unfortunately, their job that day was to demolish a house that had been damaged by fire. And they were at the wrong house.

A member of the crew did call into their office, asking about a front porch. The house they were to tear down didn't have one, and the one they were at did. They were told they were at the wrong house. They had already started the job before calling to doublecheck.

So, with half the house destroyed (the wrong house), what did the two do? They left without a word. The homeowner, Tommy Sallee Jr., had to catch up with them on the road, and eventually inform Lewis of the mix-up.

Have I mentioned that Sallee's grandfather built the house with lumber he had milled himself?

The Leaf Chronicle has the full story. Today's AOTD goes to the two dimwits that didn't even doublecheck before tearing someone's house down.

09-19-2003: The FDIC has nothing to fear nowadays...

On Tuesday, September 16th, a man walked into a Houston bank. He demanded money from the teller, and then fled with the loot. This part of the bank robbery was successful.

Unfortunately for the robber, witnesses were able to give police officers a good description of the car, as well as the license plate number. After investigation, the car was reported stolen from a used car lot on Monday.

The car was reported stolen after someone took it for a test drive, and never returned it. That someone obligingly left their driver's license at the dealership before taking the car for the test drive.

Yes, that's right - alleged car thief and bank robber Rene Castillo had left his driver's license at the dealership before stealing the car, and then using it during the bank robbery. Needless to say, police had a pretty good trail to follow. Castillo was arrested on Wednesday.

Sorry, Castillo, but I think you're going to have a helluva time with this case. Welcome to the honorable ranks of the Asshats Of The Day.

The full story can be read on the Houston Chronicle's site.

09-17-2003: Today's AOTD is sponsored by contributing editor Mr. M, as well as the number eleven.

Jesse Leonard Youngblood is a convicted criminal, and not a very intelligent one at that. The 36-year-old was recently sentenced to 33 years to life under California's "three strikes" law.

Now, the fun part is why he was sentenced.

You see, Youngblood robbed a bank in Oroville, California back in August 2002. He got away, too. Well, he got away until stupidity did him in. He returned to the same bank he robbed, on the same day, to deposit some of the stolen cash in his own account. Yes, his own bank. The stolen money. The same day.

Have I mentioned that he was on parole for a previous bank robbery?

The Chico Enterprise-Record has the lowdown. Enjoy your prison term, Youngblood!

09-16-2003: Well, today's AOTD was easy enough...

Verisign, the corporation entrusted by the US Department of Commerce and ICANN to operate the .com and .net TLDs (top level domains), has stooped much lower than anyone had thought possible. They have added wildcard A records to the .com and .net TLDs.

Now, I understand that most of you aren't techies, so I'll see if I can explain. You see, when you type "www.somedomain.com" into your web browser, your system uses DNS (domain name service) to find the correct server on the internet. It translates the www.somedomain.com into an IP address, like 192.168.1.47. Computers have no idea what www.somedomain.com is, but they do know what 192.168.1.47 is (or, more specifically, how to get there).

Now, Verisign added wildcards to .com and .net. Which means, in layman's terms, any domains that end in .com or .net that do not exist are now existing and fully functional - and are directed to Verisign's advertisement servers.

To further explain, take this example: you pull a "fat-finger", and dial a wrong number on your telephone. Instead of getting the normal error message from the phone company, you're instead connected directly to a telemarketer. You have no choice, you didn't get an error, you just end up talking to a sleazy salesman. This is exactly what Verisign is doing.

The corrupt and disgusting business practices of Verisign continue unchecked. I'm guessing that they're losing so very many domains to competing registrars because of their shitty, underhanded practices, that they are scrambling for any source of revenue that they can get. Instead of reforming and providing good service (read that as caring about their customers), they abuse their position and essentially reserve all unregistered domains for their own marketing purposes. For free.

I truly hate these people. They deserve hundreds, if not thousands, of AOTD awards, one for each domain they've screwed up or hijacked. Screw 'em.

UPDATE: Jason Garman has posted a brief writeup about this latest Verisign fiasco. It can be found here.

09-11-2003: On the second anniversary of the terrorist attacks in New York, Washington DC, and Pennsylvania, I don't feel much like writing up an AOTD award today.

Perhaps I'll have something deep and emotional in the yak later, it depends on how work goes. And how I feel, because today is an emotional day for most Americans, as well as others around the world. It's also an angry day.

I'm going out of town this weekend, so if I don't get anything written today, I'll try to catch up when I return.

09-10-2003: Suffer the little children... No, really. SUFFER, little children!

Someone cue the Imperial March...

In another windfall legal victory for the RIAA, they have settled with a 12-year-old girl. Yes, that's right, they sued a 12-year-old girl.

According to the AP's story, little Brianna LaHara was sued by the RIAA for distributing copyrighted music via Kazaa. LaHara said "I love music and don't want to hurt the artists I love." I guess no one has told her that the artists get right around diddly-shit from the industry for their CDs.

In fact, the RIAA is blaming online filesharing as the reason for their ~30% decline in CD sales last year. What the RIAA isn't telling you, is that they slashed production of CDs by 25%. That's right, they didn't make as many.

There is also the thought that most of the CDs out right now are either utter crap, overpriced, or both. But I digress.

So, the behemoth RIAA, the giver of pennies to the actual artists, the poor starving RIAA has to resort to suing 12-year-old girls. Let them starve, I say. Do a little reading on an alternative news source about how the RIAA's numbers don't add up. In the meanwhile, enjoy yet another AOTD award, RIAA.

09-09-2003: Today's AOTD is from Austin, Minnesota, USA. I just had to choose this one - I used to work in Austin.

Wrong numbers happen all the time. It's just one of those things. Someone is looking for "Bob" or "Molly" and they got the number wrong. Or they're trying to call the theater to find out movie times, and they got the last number wrong. Or they're trying to buy marijuana and they get the county sheriff. You know how that goes.

Oh, you don't? Today's asshats do - they called Mower County sheriff Terese Amazi on Friday, asking to buy a bag of weed. Amazi kept her cool, and told the caller that she was the sheriff. The caller appologized, and then hung up.

Wow, funny story, right? Yes, until a few minutes later when the same person called the same cell phone back, asking to buy marijuana. Now we've gone from funny to hilariously dumb.

Sheriff Amazi, not missing a beat, handed her cell phone to a deputy, who answered and set up a meeting at a local convenience store. The deputy even called himself "Dupe" during the call. Quite priceless.

According to the Austin Daily Herald, an unmarked car scooped up two girls, 15 and 17-years-old. They were even skipping school.

I weep for the future.

UPDATE: I have to give contributing editor Mr. M credit for this one as well - he and I found this same story, via different sources, completely independantly. I hadn't seen his contribution until tonight, when I finally got through my gazillion emails. Thanks, Mr. M!

09-04-2003: Yes, folks, we really do need to test elderly drivers. It's a privilege to drive, not a right.

As much as I loathe giving an AOTD award to an elderly driver for a fatal accident, I have made the choice to do so today.

The Pioneer Press has a detailed story of the accidents (yes, plural) that claimed the lives of two Roseville, Minnesota, USA residents. It's a very bizarre incident.

It started in a Walgreens parking lot, when the 88-year-old (!) driver eased from her handicapped parking space. OK, she didn't quite ease - she tagged the Toyota 4Runner next to her.

She then drove around the lot and tagged another SUV hard enough to shove it over a curb, a sign, a few bushes, and a sidewalk. The vehicle ended up in the street. The woman's car continued on, across four lanes of traffic, and finally coasted to a stop. A concerned citizen approached her and asked if she was OK.

Incredibly, the driver then punched the accelerator in full view of several witnesses, careening back across four lanes of traffic, jumping a curb, schmucking a few more hapless bushes, before swerving back into traffic and hitting an oncoming car. She hit the car in the passenger area, killing two of the occupants.

I understand that testing this woman prior to this accident may not have revealed any specific risks - but I also know that there are elderly drivers out there that know that they should not be driving, but don't want to lose their independance. I understand that, but they're killing people. That's where the privilege ends.

09-03-2003: I'm surprised the judge wasn't snickering.

Since we're already taking care of any asshats in Britain, we might as well take care of Ian Richard Saint. Not only is Saint a convicted armed robber, he's an asshat extraordinaire.

You see, Saint spent three years in Lincoln Prison for armed robbery, after a successful attempt to rob a jewelry store with a hammer. Back in 2000, he had escaped with a number of watches worth a few thousand pounds. And so, on August 21st, he was finally a free man. He walked out of Lincoln Prison at 9:00AM, back in society.

Unfortunately, according to This Is Nottingham, he walked back into the same jewelry store, with a hammer, and tried the whole thing again.

And just seven hours after he was released from prison.

Let's recap: 9:00AM, released from prison. 4:00PM, trying to rob the same jewelry store with a hammer.

Judge Richard Benson wasn't nearly as amused as we were - he sentenced Saint to eight years and three months. Be sure to show off your Asshat Of The Day award to all your friends in prison, Saint!

09-02-2003: Sometimes, fate tries to cull the herd a little.

A British man was seriously injured while refilling his car's gas tank. He had run out of fuel earlier, and was pouring the gas from a can into his tank.

Unfortunately, he was also smoking a cigarette. According to The Citizen, the man suffered burns over 20 percent of his body when the fuel erupted into flame. He was actually smoking a cigarette just a few inches from where he was pouring gasoline!

Good grief.

09-01-2003: Today, Stinkweasel takes you to Janesville, Wisconsin, USA.

An unidentified 40-year-old man was arrested last Wednesday, August 27th, and charged with theft. This sounds like a pretty lame case, but the joy is in what he actually stole.

You see, this asshat stole a GPS tracking device used to track prisoners that are being detained in their homes. By the time the prisoner notified police of the theft of the device, the device had already "phoned home" to let police know it was outside of its home area.

Correctional officer Thomas Roth watched the GPS trail on his home computer, according to the story from CNN and the AP (story has since been removed from CNN's site). The trail soon led to an apartment building, where the thief was arrested.

Yet another tale from the shallow end of the gene pool...